Relationships: They are so simple, right?
Said no one ever, until the moment they realised the complexity is not with relationships but it is within the personal mind about relationships. The simplicity expressed in The Relationship Handbook by George S Pransky PHD is beyond comprehension for most of the human race because it’s way too simple, as we are conditioned and addicted to complexity, if something is too simple, we don’t pay attention to it, as if its somehow not possibly of use.
Confirmed by the fact that businesses and organisations spend all their resources to train the intellect, it seems that complex solutions are always the answer. If we ‘work’ on our relationships long enough, hard enough if we ‘do the inner work’ as stated by so many people, then there ‘must’ be an answer, right? We will surely be able to figure it all out, but that just looks like a real mountain to climb…
What if everything we have ever looked for in complexity is only available in simplicity?
“The solution to outwardly complex problems created by misguided thoughts will not arise from complicated analytical theory, but will emerge as an insight, wrapped in a blanket of simplicity” – Syd Banks, The Missing Link
There is so much noise these days in the personal development world, as well as on social media about healthy relationships, toxic people, what love is and isn’t, 10 tips to…, when you should leave a relationship, how relationships are a reflection of.. and more, the list is endless but if you are looking for help I imagine you would have no clue which way to turn.
There are not so many articles on how relationships are so simple, and how when we get out of our own way, we are loving and kind, how we experience peace, contentment and security when we are not caught up in our own personal thinking.
Compatibility: Do you need it?
While you must feel someone is compatible for a marriage to work, the source of the feeling of compatibility is largely misunderstood. People often go from the checklist of physical attributes to the status requirements, job, wealth, titles, education etc, often coupled with the psychological assessment of communication capability, self-awareness, attitude towards life and more to asses if someone is suitable for a relationship, but none of those are relevant to a relationship working, yes none.
In the following example, you see how thought about the same person and conditioning creates incompatibility within different people:
- Asks a lot of questions = Nosey
- Asks a lot of questions = Curious about life, loves to listen to others
- Asks a lot of questions = Isn’t comfortable talking about self
- Asks for what she wants = Pushy
- Asks for what she wants = Doesn’t care about other people’s feelings
- Asks for what she wants = aggressive
- Asks for what she wants = assertive
- Asks for what she wants = go getter, makes life happen
You can see from this that everyone has a different perspective of what a certain set of behavioural traits means. So, while your past and your conditioning or your operating system decides how you see things, there is something way beyond that for everyone that dictates true compatibility.
Thoughts are what separate us
When it comes to compatibility it is our personal thinking that separates us, not the perceived incompatibility, it isn’t a fact, it is just created by our in the moment thinking. We then use the neutral facts about another person to justify the thinking we have about them, and create a whole story of incompatibility. We are doing this constantly with life, with people, with relationships, with jobs, with friends all innocently and based on our conditioning.
Understandably as thought creates experience, when we feel incompatible we have feelings of discontent, the more we focus on the incompatibility the worse we feel to the point where we have to get away from people, jobs, situations, but we’re always innocently looking in the wrong place.
Deeper understanding of our true nature is what connects us
The above highlights the big misunderstanding, that people are innocently caught up in the idea that happiness is something that comes from outside of ourselves, if only I got the right person, (insert tickbox of traits) then I would be happy, if only they would change their habit of (inset habit you don’t like) then I would feel better, we would be more compatible.
When we see through the illusion of life, see that all of life is made up in the moment, when we see how we have been innocently conditioned into believing the nonsense we think, and then trying to fix it, the futility of relationships disappears, so you see, relationships are really simple, when you are not caught up in your thinking about how they “should be”.
Love and Understanding
There is no ‘doing the inner work’ involved to see through the illusion of thought, and as a by-product, we get to experience more of everything we always wanted, love, kindness, connection, security are all feelings we experience when we are in the now, when we are not caught up in thought, we are naturally connected to others.
“Love and understanding harmonise the mind of humanity to its true inner nature. What you give in life is what you receive. To give love is to receive love. A mind full of love and good feelings can never go wrong” - Sydney Banks, The Missing Link
Jason Shiers Dip.Psych MBACP is a Certified Transformative Coach & Certified Psychotherapist at UK Addiction Treatment. Jason has been working with addictions and mental health for over 20 years in evolving ways. After his own recovery started 25 years ago in 12 steps, he had been searching for something different, following the path to a degree in transactional analysis. 3 years ago in a chance encounter, Jason found the work of Michael Neill, and after 3 days in LA and an exploration into the 3 principles as uncovered by Sydney Banks, life changed unrecognisably. Jason has been teaching and sharing the 3 principles in his work with addictions ever since.